Anniversary Surprise
a radio skit by Joe Thompson

Hank:
Here Emily. Happy 40th Anniversary dear.

Emily:
Thank you Hank it’s been a wonderful forty years together. Raising our children, working, playing together. Ours is a wonderful relationship.

Hank:
Yes Emily, it is. Look here’s a picture of little Bobby when he was five. Wasn’t he cute? Emily? Emily what’s the matter? Is something wrong?

Emily:
Yes Hank, I feel as if we’ve been living a lie all these years. A lie, Hank- A great big lie.

Hank:
Then you know?

Emily:
Yes I do, Hank. I’ve known a long long time.

Hank:
I’m sorry Emily. I should have told you sooner. How did you find out? Did you find the saucer?

Emily:
Saucer?

Hank:
The flying saucer that brought me here to your planet. You said you knew.

Emily:
About the time you kissed your secretary 38 years ago Hank. Not that you were an alien from outer space. Oh Hank, how could you?

Hank:
She was very attractive, Emily and I was only a man.

Emily:
No, Hank. How could you not tell me that you were an alien?

Sally:
Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Kissy Kissy. Happy Anniversary you guys. Hey why the long faces?

Emily:
Your father just told me something I think you should know, dear.

Sally:
What? That he’s a really from the planet Zostornos in the B74 star system?

Emily:
We didn’t talk particulars dear. But you knew?

Sally:
Well yeah. Mom. It was so obvious. Didn’t the green skin tell you something?

Emily:
I thought he had a skin condition dear. One doesn’t speak of such things in our social circles.

Bob:
Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Happy anniversary. Hey what’s going on?

Sally:
Well Mom didn’t know that Dad was from space. She just found out.

Bob:
Go on! Mom. Didn’t you think it was odd that he had antennas.

Emily:
Antennae, dear. No I thought it was a cowlick.

Bob:
Wow. Talk about denial.

Emily:
Why did you come here Hank? to our planet? Not just to break my heart I suppose.

Hank:
No, dear. I was the advance scout for our planet’s invasion of your planet.

Emily:
I see. When will they attack?

Sally:
Mo-om. Where have you been?

Bob:
They took over the planet two years ago. Didn’t you notice.

Emily:
I don’t follow politics dear.
Sally:
When dad had all those meetings with the green and purple beings that left slime everywhere they went- who did you think they were?

Emily:
He told me it was the county republican delegation to the legislature.

Hank:
Dearest one. I’ve hurt you. I should have told you sooner. I am beside myself with grief. Please, Dearest don’t let this change our relationship. It has been so wonderful and nurturing.

Emily:
And I suppose that is why our Bobby has always looked so -so odd.

Sally:
Nah, Mom. He’s just ugly.

Bob:
Didn’t you think it was weird that everybody called Sally ‘four eyes’ when she never wore glasses.

Hank:
Bobby. That’s enough. I won’t have you questioning your mother any further. Can’t you see that she’s upset.

Emily:
I am upset dear. This is so unexpected. So, is your technology very advanced?

Hank:
Yes. I think it is, relative to Earth technology. We have teleporters; Warp phase gravity adjusters and things like that.

Sally:
Then how come you could never program the clock on the VCR?

Emily:
And yet you have no way of monitoring trans-dimensional phasing of large numbers of humanoids, do you?

Bob:
Mom what the heck are you talking about?

Emily:
Well, perhaps I haven’t been paying attention to everything that has been going on, but remember, while your father was organizing an invasion of your planet, I was changing diapers, sending children to school, driving to sports games and arranging for large numbers of beings from my home dimension to transport into key positions on this planet where they all await my signal to assimilate this planet, whether humans are in charge, or green aliens from another planet- it doesn’t matter to us really.

Hank:
Why you sly old goat, you. All these years and I never suspected you were from another dimension.

Emily:
I suppose we all have our secrets dear. And I kissed the gardener when we were first married.

Sally:
Way to go Mom.

Bob:
What’s your real name Mom?

Emily:
It doesn’t matter really. What does matter is that we are a family without secrets from one another.

Hank:
No skeletons in our closets any more.

Bob:
Dad? you found the skeletons? I can explain.

Emily:
Well not too many anyway.

All:
laugh

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