Narrator:
To make a relatively long story short:
There were once three brothers, Mack, Zack and Jack. Jack was known as Thick Headed Jack because -

Jack:
Because my head is thick with dreams

Narrator:
Well no. Because-

Jack:
Because my head is thick with ideas.

Narrator:
Well no. Because-

Jack:
Because my head is thick with french fries.

Narrator:
Well, that’s closer, I suppose. Now there lived nearby a princess who was so beautiful that ( He sees the princess, and can't talk) gaa gaa blah blah

Jack:
How beautiful was she?

Narrator:
Well I’m trying to tell you she was so beautiful that ( He sees the princess, and can't talk) gaa gaa blah blah Well I’ll let them tell you.

Queen:
Daughter, Young Prince Jason has come to see you, to ask for your hand in marriage.

Princess:
Yes Mother. See him in.

Queen:
You don’t seem very exited about this news.

Princess:
It’s very difficult to get excited, Mother, when I know how this is going to end.

Queen:
Now now dearest.

Princess:
Oh mother. Every time some prince wants to marry me, he comes to ask for my hand. And when he sees me he begins to babble like a fool. Every time the same thing. Is it some curse an angry witch placed upon me when I was born? That I would never be able to carry on a intelligent conversation with a man?

Queen:
Dear, I think you set your sights too high, hoping for an intelligent conversation with a man. Conversation is not men’s strength.

Princess:
Then- not an intelligent conversation. Any conversation. Anything but “uh-uh-uh gee it’s hot in here” which seems to be all men ever seem to be able to say to me.

Queen:
The problem, my dear is not some ancient spell cast by an angry witch, although I must say I have seen enough of those in my day - did I ever tell you about the time your cousin was turned into a frog?

Princess:
Yes mother, a hundred times.

Queen:
Well how about when your cousin frank -

Princess:
Was turned into a cat. Yes mother- or when cousin Jody was turned into a Bird. Everybody in our family has turned into something or other. Except me.

Queen:
That’s not true dear. Your problem is that you’ve turned into a very beautiful young woman. And most young men have no idea what to say to a truly beautiful woman.

Princess:
Were you beautiful mother?

Queen:
Ouch.

Princess:
Did I say something wrong?

Queen:
No dear, not exactly. Yes once they thought I was very beautiful.
Well anyway dear, prepare yourself for your suitor, the prince.

Princess:
Fine, mother, but I swear, if he says “uh-uh-uh gee it’s hot in here” I’m going to scream.

Prince:
Hello- ummm (tries to speak but can’t find the words. Finally in desperation:) Oh uh- uh- uh- gee it’s uh hot in here.

Princess:
(long scream) Get him out of here.

Prince:
You mean it’s not hot? (he is escorted off stage.)

Queen:
Dearest. This can’t go on.

Princess:
I refuse to marry a man who can not talk with me, and make me laugh with his wit.

Queen:
Then I shall make a proclamation. That whosoever can come to the palace and talk with you for at least two minutes shall have your hand in marriage and wear the crown of a prince.

Princess:
Mother!!!!

Queen:
What?

Princess:
You don’t think it makes me look desperate do you?.

Queen:
Never the less. This is my royal decree. Let it be read throughout the land.

Narrator:
And so indeed it was read throughout the land, and many young men prepared to take up the challenge: to carry on a conversation with the princess, thereby gaining her hand in marriage and the right to wear the crown of a prince. Now as you might imagine jack and his brothers decide to take up the challenge. His brothers lock Jack up in his room so he won’t embarrass them. But he escapes and rides after them on his goat. Along the way, he finds a dead crow, an old shoe and a handful of mud.

Jack:
Pretty cool huh?

Narrator:

His brothers and he all arrive at the castle, where the princess is interviewing suitors with the help of her best friend, princess Winona.

Princess Winona:
Boy, Princess, what a bunch of losers!

Princess:
I am so bored I could scream. Every single one of them says the same thing. Boy it’s hot in here. Boy it’s hot in here. Boy it’s hot in here. I mean they even say it the same way. Boy it’s hot in here. At least one of them could say it like BOY it’s hot in here. or Boy its hot in HERE. but no.

Princess Winona:
Well it is hot in here.

Princess:
Oh don’t you start too. How many more are there?

Princess Winona:
Just two it looks like.

Princess:
Oh let’s get it over with. Send in the next fool- er suitor. Hello. I’m the princess. Since you’re here, I can assume you’d like to marry me. And now that you’ve seen how gorgeous I really am you probably are finding yourself a little tongue-tied. If this much is true then just nod your head. Like this. Up and down for yes and side to side for no. Hello? Is there another side to this conversation?

Zack:
(to himself) Latin, History. carpe diem. Ohhhh I can’t think.

Princess:
(almost hopeful)Did you say something?

Zack:
Boy is it hot in here?

Princess:
That’s because we’re roasting turkeys and cooking a few gooses today.

Princess Winona:
OK. That’s one sentence down and one to go. For the princesses’ hand in marriage, half the kingdom, and the chance to wear a crown, can you say something else?

Zack:
(trying to say something but no words will come out of his mouth.)

Princess Winona:
Come on boy, you can do it. One more sentence. Come on.

Princess:
Next.

Zack:
(Zack leaves dejected. Mack enters and slaps Zack's back ) No luck eh? Leave it me brother. I’m ready.

Princess Winona:
Our next contestant is from the country and by coincidence is related to the man who just left looking a little sad. Mack, come on down and get ready to play “Talk to the princess” Are you ready.

Princess:
Hello, Mack. I’m the princess. Since you’re here, I can assume you’d like to marry me. And now that you’ve seen how gorgeous I really am you probably are finding yourself a little tongue-tied. If this much is true then just nod your head. Like this. Up and down for yes and side to side for no. Hello? Is there another side to this conversation?

Mack:
(Nods head enthusiastically)

Princess:
Well at least this one has use of his neck muscles. I understand from my notes that you like jokes. Would you like to tell me one. I haven’t laughed in a long time.

Mack:
(Gestures for her to wait a second, makes like he’s getting ready to start the joke- finally he says:) Boy it’s hot in here.

Princess and Princess Winona: (together) Heard it.

Princess Winona:
Oh let me say it princess. Can I say it please? (Princess nods)That’s because we’re roasting turkeys and cooking a few gooses today. (to Princess) I don’t think he gets it either. Come on Mack, now is your chance say something, anything but you know what.

Mack:
(Frustrated by his inability to say anything begins to act out charades)

Princess:
Oh Charades. I love charades. Ok Five words- first word. (he points to himself) You. No, man. Yes-no, little. Little you. little man- boy. yes I got one .

Princess Winona:
Third word sounds like big, no a lot. Sounds like a lot. shot-got-dot?

Princess:
Hot? I got it, I got it. Boy it’s hot in here. (He touches his nose to signify they are right) Yes. (sighs) NEXT.

Princess Winona:
I think that’s it Princess. Wait somebody’s coming.

Jack:
Hippity Hop Hippity Hop, Here I come.

Princess Winona:
Well it looks like one more contestant. And your name is?

Jack:
Jack. Thick headed Jack. But all my friends just call me thick headed.

Princess Winona:
OK Jack. I’ll take your uh, goat. This is the princess.

Princess:
Hello, Jack. I’m the princess. Since you’re here, I can assume you’d like to marry me. And now that you’ve seen how gorgeous I really am you probably are finding yourself a little tongue-tied. If this much is true then just nod your head. Like this. Up and down for yes and side to side for no. Hello? Is there another side to this conversation?

Jack:
Boy, it sure is hot in here.

Princess Winona:
Oh classic wrong first move.

Princess:
That’s because we’re roasting turkeys and cooking a few gooses today.

Jack:
Great. Can I cook something too?

Princess:
Did you want your goose cooked as well?

Jack:
No. I brought you a big plump juicy pheasant. (pulls out dead bird)

Princess:
(laughs) So I see. Well how very nice of you. But unfortunately all of our pans are being used.

Jack:
No problem, I brought my own cooking pot. See. (puts dead bird in boot)

Princess:
How thoughtful of you. But how ever will you baste it?

Jack:
Ahhh. I have brought the finest sauce in all the land. (pours mud over bird) see?

Princess:
So you have. So you have. You are very quick with an answer aren’t you? Why do they call you thick headed Jack?

Jack:
I suppose because my head is thick with answers.

Princess Winona:
Jack? Look at the Princess. Do you think she’s beautiful?

Jack:
As princesses go- I suppose. But I haven’t know many princesses in my life. I suppose you are the most beautiful one I’ve ever met.

Princess Winona:
Good answer Jack.

Princess:
Jack, do you see those men standing around writing and writing while we talk?

Jack:
Are they spies?

Princess:
Close. They are reporters. Do you know why they are here?

Jack:
Because they have no place else to live?

Princess:
Because they want to write about what happens for the newspaper. But they rarely write nice things about us. There are many thoughtful and fair reporters, but these in particular are just muck rakers and mud slingers. What shall we give the to write about?

Jack:
Mud slingers? Hey that’s great. Hey you.Catch. (reaches into his pouch and gets some mud and slings it at the reporter. Reporter wipes it off and slings some back. This goes on a couple of times.) is it always this much fun here?

Princess:
No Jack. It’s not. But I have feeling that it will be from now on.

Princess Winona:
I think hear wedding bells.

Narrator:
And so everyone lived ---- ever after.

Jack:
All the facts in this story were true, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. The end.

© Joe Thompson • www.imaginesongs.com

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