Narrator 1:
Once upon a land in a far away time –

Narrator 2:
(giggling) You said (laughing) Once upon a land_ (more laughing) and far way time–

Narrator 1:
Yes, well do you think you can do better? Here, you start the story.

Narrator 2:
Ok. Once (laugh) I’ sorry. Once upon a rhyme- oops (more laughter) I said once upon a rhyme. (laughter) Sorry, I’ll try again. Once upon a – FISH! (too much laughing)

Narrator 1:
O Cheer up, sourpuss. I guess it doesn’t matter how we start our fairy tale, really. As long as it gets started. Any way this is a story about a cat.

Kid 1:
I don’t mean to be rude, but a cat doesn’t sound that interesting to me. A cat isn’t interesting or special.

Cat:
Not interesting? Not special? Au contraire, ma cheri. But I beg to differ with you.

Kid 2:
Who are you?

Cat:
Who am I? I am the essence of feline perfection. (the kids look confused) I am the master of any house I live in. (nothing) I am the pinnacle of purrrrr-fection. (still no response, so cut to the chase)
I’m the cat.

Narrator 2:
Look, Can we just tell the story? This is called Puss in Boots.

Cat:
Oh yeah. I love that one. Where I spin the straw into gold.

Kid 1:
That’s Rumplestiltskin.

Cat:
Where I live in a tower and let my hair down?

All:
That’s Rapunzel.

Cat:
Where I run away and the prince finds my glass slipper?

Narrator 1:
No. No. No. No. No. If you’d just let me tell the story- Now, once there were three brothers.

Kid 2:
What were there names?

Narrator 2:
Jack, Ron, and Don.

Narrator 1:
And when their father died, he left everything he owned to them.

Cat:
Is this going to be a sad story? I hate sad stories.

Narrator 1:
The oldest, Don, got the half the farm.

Don:
(doing victory dance) I got half the farm. Yes, alright. Whoo –hoo!

Narrator 2:
The middle son, Ron, got the other half of the farm.

Ron:
I got half the farm. Look at me. I’m a farmer. Oh Yeah. I’m the man. I’m the farmer.

Cat:
So the other one, Jack got the third half, right? That sounds fair. (Narrator 2 starts laughing again) Why is he laughing?

Kid 1:
There are only two halves. Two halves make a whole.

Cat:
There’s a hole? Where? So what did Jack get? I hope he got something. Other wise I’m liable to cry. I told you I hate sad stories.

Narrator 1:
He got an old burlap bag, some red boots. . .

Cat:
I am so going to cry. This is sad.

Narrator 2:
and he got the cat.

Cat:
He got me? That changes everything. This is your lucky day. All right. Take me away. I’m yours. Still, you didn’t get part of the farm. That doesn’t seem fair.

Ron:
He got what he deserved. He’s a dreamer. He believes in magic. He’ll never amount to anything. Hey Jack. I got half the farm. Looky, looky.

Don:
And I got the other half. Call me Farmer Don. I like that. Farmer don. E-I-E-I O.

Jack:
It’s not fair. My brothers got the farm, and I didn’t get anything useful.

Cat:
Yes you did. You got this, uh, beautiful, useful bag for putting things in; and these cool boots.

Jack:
Oh Boy.

Cat:
Come on man. These are some cool boots. But best of all you got me. You got the best of the deal if you want to know. Are you listening to me? Hello.

Jack:
It’s not what I want.

Cat:
What was it you wanted? The cow? The pigs? Cause I’m pretty clever as cats go. I can help you get whatever it is you want. Really. Trust me. Cats can do that, you know. Dogs can’t. Cats can. Just tell me what it was you wanted. I will get it for you. Come on, tell me. The sheep? The chickens? What?

Jack:
I want to marry the princess.

Cat:
(laughs hysterically with Narrator 2) Jack, That’s funny. And here I thought all work and no play made you a dull boy. I can hardly breath, I was laughing so hard. So really, what do you want? Tell me the truth.

Jack:
I want to marry the princess.

Cat:
(laughs again) That joke never gets old. Excuse me, What do you think he wants?

Kid 2:
He wants to marry the princess.

Kid 1:
He wants to marry the princess.

Kid 2:
princess.

Narrator 1:
Princess.

Narrator 2:
What she said.

Cat:
You’re serious?

Jack:
It’s Ok. I know it will never happen. I mean, look at me. Do I look like someone who could marry the princess?

Cat:
(Cat looks at Narrators, they all shake their head no) Well, No. Uh uh. Absolutely not. Not even close.

Jack:
All right! I get the message. It’s impossible.

Cat:
Impossible? Did you say impossible? Nothing is impossible, If you really want it badly enough. You have the dream. Now you need to do three things:

Narrator 1:
One- you have to believe in the dream. No matter how impossible it seems.

Narrator 2:
Two – you have to have a plan.

Cat:
And three – this is important – you have to give me everything you own.

Jack:
Give you – That would be crazy! I only have a burlap bag, some boots, my last lunch, and two copper coins. And I’m supposed to give then to you?

Cat:
It would be a crazy thing to do. But if you want to do the impossible, you have to be crazy. That reminds me, the forth thing you have to do

Jack:
You said three things.

Kid 2:
He’s not very good at math.

Cat:
the forth thing you have to do is trust me. One hundred and five percent. No matter what. Now give me what you’ve got.

Jack:
I don’t know why I’m doing this. Here’s the bag. Here are the boots and here are my two copper coins.

Cat:
Uh uh uh. Don’t hold out on me, now.

Jack:
My lunch? But I’m hungry!

Cat:
Have lunch? Marry the princess? What is more important?

Jack:
Oh all right, here is my lunch. Now what are you going to do with my boots?

Cat:
I’m going to wear them of course. These are some cool looking boots.

Jack:
Well what are you going to do with my two copper coins?

Cat:
Buy myself the fanciest hat I can find. A cat in a hat – maybe they’ll write a book about me.

Jack:
And my lunch?

Cat:
Eat it. (starts eating)

Jack:
But I trusted you.

Cat:
And you have to keep on trusting me. Now go take a walk while I start catching us a plan.

Jack:
I trust you. I trust you. I believe. I believe.

Narrator 1:
And so Jack trusted the Cat, although it was a very, very hard thing to do.

Narrator 2:
Especially when he didn’t see him again for days and days. Now, across the kingdom was the castle of the Quing and Keen.(laughs) Oops I meant King and Queen. (laughs)

Narrator 1:
Don’t start that again. Now the King and the Queen were good people, mostly. And did their best to rule fairly and wisely, but there are some things that test the wisdom and patience of even the best of us.

Princess:
Fine! Go ahead and ground me. Lock me away in a tower. I don’t care! I never get to do anything. I want to have a dream. I want to believe in it, work towards it.

Queen:
Dear, it’s for your own good. You can’t keep sneaking out of the castle. It isn’t safe.

King:
What I don’t understand, and I understand a lot– I even understand word puzzles– like the one where there are two horses, one going east and the other going west and –

Queen:
You were saying dear?

King:
Oh yes, got a bit off the subject. What were we talking about? Word puzzles wasn’t it?

Queen:
Sneaking out of the house–

King:
Oh yes. Well I don’t understand why you would want to. The world outside is so messy. There are Ogres, I’m told, though I don’t believe it, mind you. There are people you don’t know. Mud, wild animals. All sorts of disgusting things. It’s why I never go outside the castle myself. But here. Things are so nice. Clean and orderly. No surprises. You know everybody. Who you can trust, who you can’t. Who has been sneaking down to the kitchen at night and eating my strawberries, even though I’ve told him that those strawberries are mine, and I’m the king, by golly, I ought to be able to have my own strawberries when I want.

Queen:
So you see the point is –

Princess:
The point is I should stay locked inside this nice safe little castle all my life and never meet anyone new.

Queen:
Yes dear, I think that sums it all up pretty well.

Princess:
Argggggggggg

Herald:
Excuse me for interrupting. But, Your Majesties have a visitor.

King:
A visitor? No one ever comes to visit us. I don’t know why that is. Do you know why that is?

Princess:
We don’t know anyone. We never go outside the castle. We have no friends.

Queen:
Please dear, we’ll talk later. Send the visitor in.

Herald :
Send the visitor in.

(The Cat enters in boots and a fancy hat with the bag over his shoulders)

Cat:
(bows)Your most royal majesties. I come to you today as an emissary from my master. He has long admired your leadership. Your nuanced perfection of diplomatic ingenuity. Your. . .

King:
What language are you speaking? Is it French?

Cat:
Let me put this another way. My master likes you, and sent you a present.

King:
A present. Oh open it. Open it. Let me have it.

Queen:
and who is your Master?

King:
Can we open the present now?

Cat:
He has asked that in exchange for his gift, you don’t ask his name.

King:
Why? Doesn’t he like his name? Is it a funny name like Brian Dogearsoup? Or Jack fishpants? But fine, whaever. Let’s open the present now. Open it.

Cat:
(seeing the princess) Ohh!

Princess:
What? Why do you gasp when you see me? Am I so ugly to anyone outside this castle?

Cat:
My master has had a dream for many months now. He says that in his dream he meets the most beautiful woman that has ever lived. And they dance through the night to romantic music–

King:
Yes. Yes. Good. Now let’s see the present.

Princess:
And what has this dream to do with me?

Cat:
When he woke up just yesterday, he drew a picture of this beautiful lady and when I saw you–

King:
I want to see the Present!

Princess:
Wait. What were you about to say, about the drawing?

Cat:
Well, it looked so much like you that I was amazed.

Princess:
The beautiful woman in his dream looked like me? And I suppose your master is some old man with grandchildren on his knee.

Cat:
NO! He is young and handsome, but he has never found the right girl. Whenever he meets someone, he thinks “ahh but she is not as beautiful, clever or sweet as the girl in my dreams.” It is a sad romantic story, don’t you think?

King:
So do you have a present for us or not?

Cat:
Yes your majesty. My master could not decide whether to give you gold or diamonds, rubies or pearls. But anyone could give you treasure. So instead, In this bag you find two of the fattest, most delicious-

King:
(looking in bag) Rabbits?

Cat:
Anyone could give you more gold or diamonds. But this is a more personal gift

Queen:
I wish we could meet your master. Are you sure it can’t be arranged?

Princess:
Can he come for dinner tonight?

King:
Rabbits? How did he catch them?

Cat:
Would you believe that he sat lazily under a tree with his lunch on the ground next to him, and when the rabbits came to nibble the sandwich he pounced and threw them into the bag.

King:
He would have to be as quick as a cat to catch rabbits that way. Well, tell him I command that he come to dinner tomorrow evening.

Cat:
It’s too soon. I mean, my master may travel tomorrow to far way lands and so coming here to dinner is impossible.

Princess:
But we could visit him. Tonight. A surprise. Daddy please?

Cat:
Ahh tonight? Well the castle is not ready for a visit from the Royal family. Besides, I understood that you never leave the castle.

Queen:
I think in honor of our daughter we shall leave the castle tonight. I am most curious about your master.

Cat:
Tonight is too soon. He’s not ready.

Queen:
Then tell him to get ready. Surely his servants can clean the castle. Now where is his castle? I know our kingdom very well.

Cat:
His castle? His castle is – It’s over– no it’s over–

Princess:
Do you know where he lives?

Cat:
Well his lands are so great that it is hard to say. His castle is – uh, north of here next to the great lake.

King:
I had always heard that an ogre lived there. Not that I believe in Ogres, mind you. But there have always been stories about one living up there.

Cat:
Ogres? Ha, we are sensible people your majesty. We don’t believe in ogres. Do we?

Narrator 1:
So the cat hurried home to Jack to tell him the news.

Cat:
Well, the good news is that the princess wants to meet you.

Jack:
What’s the bad news?

Cat:
No bad news. None. You are so tense. (starts massaging Jacks shoulders) Take a breath. Good. Relax. Good. You’re doing great. I do have some – interesting news maybe.

Jack:
(relaxed and limp)What?

Cat:
The princess and the royal family are coming to your castle tonight to meet you.

Jack:
What? That’s bad news. That’s really bad news. That’s horrible news.

Cat:
Why?

Jack:
I don’t have a castle, remember. Or any fancy clothes. Or anything that the princess would expect.

Cat:
It’s Ok. Chill, dude. Mellow out. No problemo. There is castle up north near the lake that I think we can get. It’s a fixer upper. But it does have a water view. Hey am I the man or what?

Jack:
There is a little problem with that idea.

Cat:
What?

Jack:
There is an Ogre in it!! A big ugly, mean ogre who can change his shape into any animal he wants to. He could trample you as a bull or eat you as a lion.

Cat:
I’ll take care of that. I need you to do two things before the princess rides by on her way to he castle.

Jack:
I can’t give you anything else. All I have are the clothes I’m wearing.

Cat:
Good, that’s exactly what I need. Take off all your clothes.

Jack:
Are you crazy?

Cat:
Trust. Remember. Trust the cat.
Now ,go stand in the river.

Jack:
Trust the cat. Trust the cat.

Narrator:
So Jack trusted the cat. And though he felt a little like a fool–

Jack:
A lot like a fool.

Narrator 1:
And though he felt a lot like a fool he stood in the river in without his clothes.

Cat:
Help help. Robbers thieves. Help. (runs off stage) Help thieves. Oh thank heaven a coach. Can you help me sir?

Jack:
Trust the cat. Trust the cat.

Cat:
(Cat reenters with the King, Queen, Princess and the Coachman) Your majesty, what a surprise. Thank heaven you arrived when you did.

Queen:
Oh my goodness. Princess, don’t look. This man has no clothes.

Princess:
But he has a towel. Nice towel.

Cat:
We were traveling by to get a few things for the dinner tonight when twenty robbers and hoods leaped out and over powered us. They took the Coach, the horses. Even my master’s clothes.

Queen:
This is your master?

Jack:
Well, I guess dinner is off.

Cat:
Don’t be silly. You just told me we would have dinner anyway.

King:
You have no clothes on.

Cat:
But surely you have an extra set of clothes with you in case of emergencies.

King:
Yes. Yes I have. But my clothes weren’t stolen. His were.

Queen:
But you could lend him your clothes.

Jack:
Only for a little while, till I get mine back.

Princess:
Do you know what this is? This is an adventure. I love adventures. Robbers, stealing your clothes. Wow. You are so lucky.
Good thing they left you a towel. Did they leave you anything else?

Jack:
Just my dreams.

Cat:
And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run ahead and see if the castle is ready.

Jack:
But wait. By yourself? Isn’t that dangerous?

Queen:
Why would it be dangerous to see if the castle is clean?

Cat:
Oh you know how the servants are these days, why some of them are almost ogres.

King:
Oh that’s funny. Ogres. But of course there is not such thing is there?

Narrator 2:
So the cat went off to the ogre’s castle.

Kid 2:
What is an ogre?

Narrator 1:
Yes. What is an Ogre?

Narrator 2:
An ogre is a big – well big and ugly kind of a – Mean. A big ugly mean ogreish kind of thing.
Oh you’ll know it when you see it. All right? Where were we?

Narrator 1:
The cat is going to the castle.

Narrator 2:
Where he finds a great big, mean, nasty, scaly, ugly. . .

Kid 1:
Actually you don’t look so big, mean, nasty, scaly, ugly or any of that.

Ogre:
(to kid 1)You I like. (to narrator) You, I could live without. Truth is, I can take any shape I want, and I don’t feel all that big, mean, nasty, scaly, or ugly today. Ahhhh ahhhh ahhhhh choo. Say is there a cat around here? I’m allergic to cats.

Cat:
No sir, No cats. Look, I’m a reporter with the medieval times newspaper, and we’d like to do a story on you. Is it true that you do horrible mean, nasty things?

Ogre:
Oh yes. Mean, nasty. All those people out there live in fear of me. Fear that if I’m not happy I might eat them up. Or even if I’m happy. Yes I’m pretty mean evil wicked bad and nasty. Ahhhh ahhhh ahhhhh choo. You sure there’s no cat around? Ok. Next question.

Cat:
Well no one believes that you can change into a something as big as, oh lets say, A dinosaur. Can you prove it to our readers?

Ogre:
Not in the house, I would break the ceiling. I’ll go outside. Now watch.

Cat:
Whoa!!! That’s big. But hey anybody can do big. I bet you can’t turn into a teeny weeny little mouse.

Ogre:
(off stage) Oh yeah, watch this.

Cat:
Whoa. Good. Come inside and let me see. You look like a real mouse, let me look closer. (cat picks up mouse) Yep, you’re a mouse. Oh yes, by the way, I’m a cat. (cat swallows mouse)

Narrator 1:
So the cat ate the mouse

Narrator 2:
Which was really the ogre.

Kid 1:
And look, just in time. Here comes the king and Queen and everybody.

Queen:
Hello. We just couldn’t wait to see the castle. Oh it looks terrible.

King:
It looks horrible. Almost as if and ogre has been living here. Not a brave young prince. Come princess. This is terrible. We must leave.

Princess:
Jack?

Jack:
Cat?

Cat:
Uh well, your highness, there is an explanation. You see, Jack – well I mean the castle, I mean. I’m out of tricks, Jack. I’m sorry.

Queen:
You should be. There is no explanation. Come dear. We are going home now.

Jack:
No wait. You are right. This place is terrible. It isn’t a wonderful, beautiful castle. I don’t have wonderful beautiful clothes. The truth is I have nothing.

Cat:
Well, you have a cat.

Jack:
The truth is I have nothing, except a hope and a wish and a dream.

Cat:
And a cat.

King:
Whose castle and lands are these then?

Cat:
Well, they belong to Jack now, because I ate the Ogre that used to live here. (burp) ogres, even small mouse shaped ones are rather sour.

King:
Come daughter. It is time to go. Ogres. Ugh.

Princess:
No. Daddy, Mommy. Give him a chance. You look around and see what is here right now. I look around and see what could be here. Look how Jack changed when he put on your royal clothes Daddy. Look how beautiful this place could be now that the ogre is gone.

Jack:
And that is what I offer you, princess. A chance to build a future, to have faith in our dreams, and watch them come true. What are your dreams, princess?

Princess:
I thought no one would ever ask. Let’s take a walk and I’ll tell you about them. And my name is Diana, not Princess.(they walk off together)

Narrator 1:
And as you might well imagine, they fell in love, married and lived happily ever after.

Cat:
Wait a minute. Aren’t you forgetting someone rather important to this story? Hello? Over here. The cat! The story is called Puss in Boots. What happened to the cat.

Narrator 2:
The cat got to keep the boots. (cat pantomimes for more info) and the hat. (cat pantomimes for more info) and lived in the castle with all the fresh sweet mice he could eat. What? What did I forget?

Kid 2:
And he lived happily ever after

Cat:
Thank you. It’s about time. (kid whispers in the cats ear) Oh yes. The end.