The Kids’ Cabaret X-Files
from the Cabaret for Kids by Joe Thompson

(*Note: in this skit, the parts of Fox and Scully were both played by women. To make it for a man and a woman simply take out the lines marked with a *)


Scully:
Fox! Stop playing that silly gameboy. We have a report of a sighting.

Fox:
A sighting? Who? Julia Roberts? In-sync?

Scully:
No. A UFO.

Fox:
UFO? That stands for something doesn’t it? Wait, don’t tell me.-An upstart from Ohio? An undecided female orangutan?

Scully:
An unidentified flying object.

Fox:
Huh?

Scully:
A space ship, Fox. The thing you’ve been looking for all these years.

Fox:
Wow. A space ship. Are there little green men? I like little green men. ‘Course they don’t have to be green. They could be orange. I like orange too. Or purple. Have you ever seen a purple person? Or polka dotted. That would be cool. Polka dotted aliens.

Scully:
Fox. Fox. Get a hold of yourself.

Fox:
(Grabs herself)
Ok I have myself. Now what? Should I handcuff myself? OK Fox. I’m under arrest.

Scully;
I’m worried about you Fox.

Fox:
Don’t worry about me. I just act like I’m crazy.

Scully:
Why?

Fox:
Cause I am.

Scully:
Whatever. We have to interview the witnesses.

Brandy:
This is an FBI office huh? Sweet. What does FBI stand for anyway.

Fox:
Five beastly icecubes ! No wait.

Scully:
The Federal Bureau of. . .

Fox:
Eagles. That’s it The federal Bureau of eagles.

Brandy:
Like, doesn’t eagle start with and E? That would make it FBE.

Fox:
You're right. Scully. Call and have the initials changed immediately. We don’t want to look silly. I hate to look silly.

Liz:
Are we like here because we saw a UFO?

Scully:
Yes. Can you tell us anything about the UFO.

Liz:
It was like really big. Bigger than a bus.

Brandy:
Fer sure. It was bigger than a truck.

Liz:
No it wasn’t . It was bigger than a bus.

Brandy:
It was bigger than a truck.

Liz:
BUS.

Brandy:
TRUCK.

Scully:
I get the point. Now beginning with the moment that you perceived the vehicle, can you commence to articulate precisely what transpired, moment to moment, in a cogent and illuminating fashion?

Fox, Brandy and Liz:
HUH?

Scully:
What happened next?

*Brandy:
Aren’t you like supposed to be Fox Muldar from the x-files?

*Fox:
That’s right. Do you want an autograph?

*Liz:
But I thought you were a guy?

*Scully:
You missed episode 147. Not one of my favorites. Please continue about the UFO.

Brandy:
Well, like first there was this beam of light. Then like we got really light headed and we were taken on board and -Hey how do we know you guys aren’t aliens?

Liz:
Yeah. How do we know you aren’t aliens?

Brandy:
I said that.

Liz:
Well it was my line.

Fox:
They’re right Scully. How do we know we aren’t aliens?

Scully:
You know what drives me crazy? Alien just means different. My great grandfather was an alien. He was from Ireland. Your grandfathers and great grandfathers were aliens from another country too: Germany, or England or someplace. But when we use the word it’s like we are always talking about little green men. But yes, we are all aliens in some way in some place.

Fox:
Scully, we are not always talking about little green men. They could be polka dotted. Or orange.

Liz:
Or pink. I like pink.

Brandy:
Or blue. Or purple.

Scully:
I don’t believe in UFOs. Or aliens. Or any of this weird stuff. Get out of my office now. All of you. (going a little bit - maybe a lot - crazy) Scotty, three to beam up. Sorry captain, but the transporters are offline. Then do something Scotty. Captain, I’m doing the best that I can.

Brandy:
I think she’s loosing it big time.

Fox:
Let’s sing her a song to take her mind off of things.

Scully:
(Wandering off stage mumbling) Tribles everywhere. That is illogical captain. Engage thrusters. Warp speed. More tribles.

Song: Bubba’s in Space